David F. Ross

Stories by David F. Ross

The Comedown

Up

Face …
Like a masturbating Notre Dame gargoyle,
Like Marty Feldman failing a G-Force test,
Like ‘Terrahawks’ Zelda in Botox Shocker!’
Like a demonic dermatologist’s carpet
Like a scrotum stretched across the Alps
Like a pumpkin carved by Stevie Wonder
Like a Morris dancer in an Exploited gig
Like a toddlers Etch-a-Sketch doodle,
Like a geriatric warthog tripping on LSD.
Like the wind changed and it stayed like this …

Hair …
Like a scarecrow’s scattered intestines
Like vowel-less Alphabetty Spaghetti
Like a school janny’s used sick mop
Like an epileptic taxidermist’s waste bin
Like one of Ron Jeremy’s used merkins
Like the base of a half-cut hamster’s cage
Like a cottage thatched with Donald Trump wigs
Like a napalm strike through a Vietnam jungle
Like half-eaten Shredded Wheat dropped on a rug.
Like Lockdown week 12, and every one of yours …

Voice …

Like a lapsed WeightWatchers celebratory orgy.
Like a busted carburettor on an old ice cream van.
Like Salmonella impacting a yodeller’s convention
Like a Mitre 5 free kick bursting a wall of piles.
Like a vice tightening around Joe Pasquale’s balls.
Like a growling cacophony of rabid devil dugs
Like E.T. high on crack, totin’ a police bullhorn.
Like a hammered, hiccuping Foghorn Leghorn
Like a morose malfunctioning lovesick SAT-NAV
Like I’ve run out of time and have to say …

Goodnight

In The (15-Minute) Neighbourhood

Our relationship with our localised community has recently become complex and multi-layered. Perhaps it was always thus but we just didn’t have cause to analyse it so closely. The shock of the pandemic and the impact it has had on all we take for granted has left many of us

Read More »

This Is Not A Love Song

Danny and Raymond are brothers. They aren’t close and there has always been tension between them. Raymond is cocksure and aggressive; Danny is quiet and sensitive. Danny has recently returned to their home village after than a decade away. Raymond is in prison for violent assault.
The scene takes place

Read More »

And What You Give Is What You Get

Into Creative Live review: Paul Weller (with Maxwell Farrington & Le Superhomard)
Große Freiheit 36, Hamburg
16th May 2023
When I was a child, I wanted to be a cowboy. I had my photo taken on stage with one during a family holiday at Margate in the late 60s…

Read More »