David F. Ross

Stories by David F. Ross

The Comedown


Face …
Like a masturbating Notre Dame gargoyle,
Like Marty Feldman failing a G-Force test,
Like ‘Terrahawks’ Zelda in Botox Shocker!’
Like a demonic dermatologist’s carpet
Like a scrotum stretched across the Alps
Like a pumpkin carved by Stevie Wonder
Like a Morris dancer in an Exploited gig
Like a toddlers Etch-a-Sketch doodle,
Like a geriatric warthog tripping on LSD.
Like the wind changed and it stayed like this …

Hair …
Like a scarecrow’s scattered intestines
Like vowel-less Alphabetty Spaghetti
Like a school janny’s used sick mop
Like an epileptic taxidermist’s waste bin
Like one of Ron Jeremy’s used merkins
Like the base of a half-cut hamster’s cage
Like a cottage thatched with Donald Trump wigs
Like a napalm strike through a Vietnam jungle
Like half-eaten Shredded Wheat dropped on a rug.
Like Lockdown week 12, and every one of yours …

Voice …

Like a lapsed WeightWatchers celebratory orgy.
Like a busted carburettor on an old ice cream van.
Like Salmonella impacting a yodeller’s convention
Like a Mitre 5 free kick bursting a wall of piles.
Like a vice tightening around Joe Pasquale’s balls.
Like a growling cacophony of rabid devil dugs
Like E.T. high on crack, totin’ a police bullhorn.
Like a hammered, hiccuping Foghorn Leghorn
Like a morose malfunctioning lovesick SAT-NAV
Like I’ve run out of time and have to say …


Eight Albums

01: The Jam, Setting Sons (1979)
Paul Weller has inspired me in so many ways. I’m far from unique in that respect. The haircuts, the Lonsdale t-shirts, the boating blazers, Dennis the Menace button badges etc … there was an identikit army of us back in the late 70s and

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A New State of Independence – By Judithea Montgomery

There are some incontestable certainties about Britain that the Scottish people will wake up to today. Firstly, and most obviously, it’s still actually there. As an outside observer to the YES and NO arguments, I might have assumed the physical location of the land mass was going to change; to

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A Brave New World: Modest and Pragmatic

What will the cities of the future be like? It’s an intriguing question and one which – of all the professionals involved in the creation of our built environment – architects are best placed to respond to. Imagining the future is a pastime which all designers indulge in. It is

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